Falling in love after I meet you is a terrifying experience that I don’t wish anyone to experience. It is like going to a haunted house; you never know what monsters you will meet. Falling in love with you had taught me a thing; nothing could soften the blow once…

light. voices. dark. silence. static voice.
i’m hardly in between.
this is how it feels to want to step into the vast of darkness but the force of life is pulling me out.

i have a life in which i am not haunted, day and night.

i have a life in which i do not curse you and accept your cuts had been on my body, nothing and everything is wrong, all at once.

and I saw your face, your sunny smile and delicate face.
that you were the reason I gave a life, a chance, once again.

For once, I choose life.
Until I do not have the agency to choose which way to go, I will choose life.

I am not going to write you a long-ass letter telling you all the flowery, cute, letters on how you make me feel loved (and how I like listening to your raspy voice in the mornings!),

Nor will I write a song (by myself!) with my terribly limited piano skill…

When I was in my undergraduate study, I used to think that I did a pretty good job on letting people assumed that I was very keen on doing self-disclosure. Some of my friends might be amazed on the amount of information I could let out, unknowing to the fact…

Things have been so overwhelming lately and I’ve been feeling like I’m being chased by expectation. My surroundings’ expectation, my own expectations; double killers that keep me on my toes, every damn night.

in the world where you predominantly alone, hug yourself
because God give you two hands so it’s warm enough to give yourself the warmth you deserve
and maybe one day, you realise there will be someone to help you realised that all this time you are never alone
and they might want to help you ease whatever pain, fiery anger you currently have
and may be they will come in the most correct time; the time that suits the best for you to receive a hug that’s warm enough you can call it

home.

you’re coming home, finally.

Just tonight, I ate my dinner on the side road near my house. It was a very modest food stall. It took me quite long to realise all the beautiful experiences I’ve experienced when eating street foods. I remembered all the beautiful experiences back in Solo and Jogja. I remembered…

Hey, I’m writing this in the middle of my journey in the memory lane. I do not know what curse you have casted upon me, but your name is marked like it is not going to be erased anytime, soon.

Before I start, how have you been?

You do not…

9 tahun lalu aku masih ingat aku tidur sambil menggenggam teleponku, mungkin aku berharap akan pesan pendek darimu. 9 tahun lalu, jantungku berdegup kencang menunggu hari ulangtahunmu.

9 tahun berikutnya aku belajar mencintai diriku sepenuhnya. Belajar melapangkan dada seluas-luasnya karena aku tahu, untuk dicintai, aku perlu mencintai diriku seutuhnya. Ada…

One habit that I always try to get rid of but somehow always failed successfully; the habit of being angry with myself. I speak with harsh tone to myself, especially in the times like this. I always maintain such a high and inhumane expectation to myself. I even think of…

Ruthnaomi VL

A quarantine diary in the midst of outbreak, including the downfalls and such.

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