#3: On Being Angry with Oneself
One habit that I always try to get rid of but somehow always failed successfully; the habit of being angry with myself. I speak with harsh tone to myself, especially in the times like this. I always maintain such a high and inhumane expectation to myself. I even think of myself as a villain; the one who will destroy everybody’s plans when I make mistakes. I always try to speak to myself in softer tones, but it always ends up failed. Maybe this is the reason why I put high expectations to everybody around me; because I can’t stop putting such high expectations to myself. I also wish I could be kinder to myself, a lot more understanding, a lot more caring, like I care for people that I cherish. I am angry when I am not productive. I will be angry when I am exhausted so I cannot finish my tasks faster than I predicted. I will be angry to myself when I feel negative feelings. I AM angry that I am finally succumbed to this feeling of loneliness and incapability due to the facts that I am quarantined, far far away from home. I wish I could be more gentle than ever, especially in this time. It’s ultra hard for me to admit that this is not USUAL; that it takes days, weeks, months, or maybe it will take years to get used to this new normal.
Everybody might say it’s okay to be not okay, especially in this physical distancing time. But ‘accepting not okay feeling’ may never be registered in my dictionary, so it feels strange and debilitating. Everybody, my mom, my therapist(SSSS), my friends, they all say that it’s okay to feel this way. “Do everything that makes you happy,” they will say. But I can’t even permit myself to feel the catastrophe inside, not even when I have special condition. Being tough is always cool. Vulnerability is uncomfortable and strange. Being closed off is my pride.
Until I realise my self-limiting belief consumes my sanity, piece by piece. I feel disgusted that I praise self-love movement but at the same time, I LOATHE it. I want to feel not okay and I genuinely accept it. I want to love myself even though right now she’s clearly unlovable. I want to give all the exceptions in this world so she can feel okay to feel the pain and cry as much as she wants to. But, she’s too tough, she hates to break.
She hates to feel a little bit too much.